Why I always Failed?

Every step of my life, I always have something that I want to do, a little dream about my life. But for a while I got excited about it, but then it became like eating pizza, at first it felt so good, but the more I ate, the blander it became.


In my previous article Preparing for the Next Career, I set myself a new goal. Learning competitive programming, teaching myself English, and building my personal brand through social media are among my goals. But I haven't been doing it for more than a month now.

Although I try to make it easier for myself, i'm afraid of what's going to happen in the future. I lose motivation to complete the task I have already planned. Then I think this kind of situation happens often to me.

I think this is why my life is rafferty since I don't grow enough. Everyone in their lives has a problem - sometimes we have problems that stop us from doing something or make us do nothing at all.

I experience this quite often in my life. Especially when I think life is slowing down and I feel like I should do something about it. I know, there's will be always a challenge when we do something new in our life.

I feel that whenever I set a new dream, then there is always a new problem coming into my life attempting to stop me from pursuing it. It's not an easy problem that comes to my life, sometimes the problem has to do with someone else's life and I have to take action.

It feels like the universe is trying to stop me, and they want me to do my regular routines. Work, sleep, eat, repeat.

Unfortunately, the problem is that when I do that, I feel bored and lose motivation to do the everyday tasks. Honestly, I don't know what happened to me. It is always difficult for me to stay motivated in life.

On every single thing I have done in my life, which happens over and over again, I feel failed. Every week, every month, every year. It seems like I will never be able to achieve my dream.

What can i do about it?

I have been thinking about this every day. It is always on my mind how to get out of this situation. That state that makes me want to do nothing. I mean, sure, I sleep, I work, i eat lunch. But i don't do anything with my dream.

As far as the things that I do, I really do not have any motivation for them. I do them simply because I feel like if I don't, I'm dead, so I do them just for living. I have no desire to make my dream a reality.

But today, I realized I didn't even know how to write any single line of code six years ago and I didn't even have a computer to learn coding.

I have all the reason to not became a programmer, i have no internet connection, i have no friend that doing programming, i have no computer, i don't have a teacher or someone that will teach me to learn programming, i don't even any book or anything that will help me to learn coding.

At that time, my family and friends did not support my decision to become a programmer. Yet I really wanted it. I think that's the only thing I love, the only thing I believe I can do in my life.

So then I began to take action, I borrowed my uncle's computer, borrowed my mom's money for a ride into the city so I could get internet access and then I started searching for anything that I could use to learn how to code.

While facing all the difficult situations, I strive to learn something new every day. I just don't give up.

I keep learning with the limitations that I have, and the door begins to open to me one by one, after months of working on it. I got the job, even though it has nothing to do with programming. During that time, I had a job at school, but I think this is a good opportunity for me to meet the teachers there and learn programming there.

I kept on working on it and eventually got a community that assisted me with learning programming, and I moved to Yogyakarta in 2015 to learn coding there.

It was an incredible move I took, and I met some fantastic smart people. I start to networking there and at year 2016 i got my first job as a programmer even that was just an intern but i learn a lot.

The pinnacle of achievement for me in 2019 was getting hired to work remotely for a US company, which was a life-changing event. I even buy my first dream car in 2020.

That was amazing journey, i start with nothing no computer, no internet connection no friend but just a dream.

I think I am stupid if I feel like I always fail. I think i just forget the journey that i have been through so far.

I have to get up!

Now that I'm looking back I realize my journey was not an easy one. Nevertheless, it is always possible for me to move forward.

What i think that make me failed all the time is that desire to make everything perfect, desire to get something instantly.

I should always making progress, keep learning it every day, if i can't do it today just get rest and then do it again tomorrow the day will come for me to finally understand deeply about what i learn.

A couple week ago i set my repository for 30-Days-Of-Competitive-Programming to private. I was embarrassed because i don't update that repo.

So today i move it back to public repository and start to learn again.

It will start out bad, and as I become more proficient in competitive programming, I will also improve it. I'm just learning now, so it's okay if the work isn't great. We make mistakes as learners all the time, that is part of the learning process.